Day 8

I am addicted to chocolate. I eat it so frequently and so fast that I don't know if I can taste it anymore. I think I enjoy it occasionally, but on most days it is used to fill me up when I am lonely. Today was one of those days. Hubs is out of town and I had a difficult discussion with Little A's teachers about her readiness for kindergarten. This all on top of the normal Tuesday feelings of not fitting in at mom's group and it's enough to make me eat an entire bag of PB m&ms if it is put in front of me. This is what I accomplished today, and not much besides it except for the 4 mile run on the treadmill to start the day. I guess I had good intentions?

This takes me back eleven years to my senior year in college. Last semester I dropped down to part time status so I wouldn't have to do more than I had to to graduate. I remember eating red, white, and pink peanut m&ms by the pound--it's pretty much what I lived on for a month. I would take the daily trek down the block to buy a bag and I would walk back and hide in my room until it was finished. And I would feel horrible the rest of the day.

By the end of the semester I was in a better place. I was seeing a counselor off and on. But I'm not sure what helped me get through it, the depression. Since then I believe I have had years where I could enjoy the candy as a treat, but this year is not turning out to be one of them.

I keep trying to create new habits, new routines, new goals, but I always find myself back here. And right now all I can think about is tomorrow. What is going to make tomorrow better so that this doesn't keep happening?

Love me.