Day 14

I don't remember much from my childhood. I don't know why because I usually have an okay memory. But one thing I do remember is watching the TV show "Today's Special". On one episode there is a song with lyrics I am slowly going crazy....that runs through my head on a somewhat regular basis, and crazy is what I have been calling myself this last week with hubs being out of town for four days followed by a busy three day weekend, which by the way included a three hour photo class!

I feel like I am falling behind, in posting blogs (and keeping up with the Joy of Love project and eating better), in cleaning, in parenting (these kids are growing up so fast!), in being a wife and friend...I will attempt to play catch up, but in the sense of this project I want to take these photos and learn about my camera as a stress-relief, not as a creator of stress.

Today is Valentine's Day and I am feeling good because I was spoiled by flowers, chocolate, bubble bath, a steak and wine dinner...but I am still struggling with loving myself. I wish I could see myself through the eyes of my husband.

Joy of Love 12: the eyes

The eyes of my husband....

I have a couple pictures of the kids' eyes as well, but I had a hard time figuring out how to frame these pictures. I have seen tightly cropped images that just include an eye (or two), but I wasn't successful this time around.

Day 8

I am addicted to chocolate. I eat it so frequently and so fast that I don't know if I can taste it anymore. I think I enjoy it occasionally, but on most days it is used to fill me up when I am lonely. Today was one of those days. Hubs is out of town and I had a difficult discussion with Little A's teachers about her readiness for kindergarten. This all on top of the normal Tuesday feelings of not fitting in at mom's group and it's enough to make me eat an entire bag of PB m&ms if it is put in front of me. This is what I accomplished today, and not much besides it except for the 4 mile run on the treadmill to start the day. I guess I had good intentions?

This takes me back eleven years to my senior year in college. Last semester I dropped down to part time status so I wouldn't have to do more than I had to to graduate. I remember eating red, white, and pink peanut m&ms by the pound--it's pretty much what I lived on for a month. I would take the daily trek down the block to buy a bag and I would walk back and hide in my room until it was finished. And I would feel horrible the rest of the day.

By the end of the semester I was in a better place. I was seeing a counselor off and on. But I'm not sure what helped me get through it, the depression. Since then I believe I have had years where I could enjoy the candy as a treat, but this year is not turning out to be one of them.

I keep trying to create new habits, new routines, new goals, but I always find myself back here. And right now all I can think about is tomorrow. What is going to make tomorrow better so that this doesn't keep happening?

Love me.

Day 7

Well I feel like my excitement for the "Love Me" project and the "Joy of Love" project is lacking. I know I have a tendency to claim failure when I miss a day or feel like I couldn't put my whole effort into something. On the food front, it's been days since I have packed a lunch, and looking back on the month so far, I don't know if I can say I have had a successful day. This is mainly because when I did have a good afternoon, I "celebrated" at night. I have still been using food, mainly sugar, to get me through the tough emotions of being a mom. With the photography, I am feeling dissatisfied with my images. I know I will always be my toughest critic, but I get tired of trying when sometimes I feel that I can't even frame the picture.

Joy of Love 07: generations

Todays subject was generations and it suggested postponing the day if family lived out of town. Mine does, though I have to admit we had a visit from some yesterday. But even if I had read ahead, I think the time would have been too crazy to get a picture. My parents don't like being photographed anyway. I still wanted to pick up my camera and mess around. Again, I'm not completely satisfied with the shot.

I have a love/hate relationship with m&ms. I have used them to numb my emotions so they have become a drug of sorts. I have avoided them for weeks at a time. This time of year is particularly difficult with all of the holiday flavors and colors. I love love love the mint m&ms for Christmas. And there is something about those red and pink ones that gets me every year (though when I really think about it, they are the ones that bring back the worst memories)...Right now I have a jar on my mantel to add some holiday color to the room, but I have been "treating" myself too often and "using" them in hard times.

Day 6

Joy of Love 06: who THEY love

It has been another busy day with no to motivation to take pictures. But here's what I managed to get. Little A had a special visit from her cousins for the weekend, and she adores them. Here she is with the one, reading a book after waking up. I didn't quite capture the giggling, but it was fun to watch.

The fun continued with breakfast and some painting.

Little T's love lately has been this character. Last weekend we took a family outing and when he saw Little A grab a stuffed animal, this is what he chose for himself.

And Big T's love, the Steeler's who are playing the big game as I type this. But he wanted to make sure I knew he loves me as well. So another self-portrait.

I know I have a tendency to try to get pictures of as many subjects as I can instead of focusing on one or two. So my goal for this week is to try to capture one really good image per day.

Day 5

Joy of Love 05: love to hate

This was a hard assignment for me. It was a really busy day, and I couldn't decide on what I wanted to photograph. The weather was dreary so I knew it would be a challenge for me to have good lighting for a picture. So when the kids finally went to bed, the first thing Big T did was get out his ipod and I knew this would be one of my pictures for the day... Ipod coming between husband and wife :)

Then when I told him what the assignment was for the day, he immediately reminded me of a conversation we had a few weeks ago about this pot...that sits on the stove...for days...EVERY time he makes iced tea. It's probably the easiest pot to wash (no scrubbing involved) but it's the one he always chooses to leave. I'm not too excited about the picture itself. I've had trouble with the lighting in my kitchen and admit it, it's just not that interesting of a subject. But it did force me to mess with the camera for a half hour. My subject didn't make faces at me or run to a different room when I whipped out my camera, and for that I was thankful.

Day 4

Joy of Love 04: what they wear

I was excited about this assignment because it didn't require having one of my loves in the photo (though little a did pose for me a couple times today--I think I was better about making it fun and quick).

This photo also goes with the then and now theme from yesterday. Little T's preemie sleeper and his now 24 month shirt that hangs on him.

Little A's special necklace she got for her birthday.

This was the first thing I thought to photograph, Little A's new sparkling red shoes. She has been noticing all of the girls with these, and she picked them out herself saying "they are one-ones!". I couldn't say no.

And her stockings...she wears skirts and dresses when she can, and the stockings are just as important.

Ans just as important is the tutu that I made for her. She wears this to eat, sleep, and play.

Day 3

Joy of Love 03: then and now

I have yet to watch the videos that go along with this project. Why do I feel like this is taking so much time and energy? Today was hard. I got upset with the kids numerous times for refusing to sit for a picture, even when I promised their face wouldn't make it into the frame. I had some ideas--for Little T, his scar on his face, for Big T his gray hair. I'm not too excited about any of these pictures, but I did try so I can't complain.

This first picture is just showing the now factor of having kids. I'm not a fan of the shadows and I was having trouble getting the camera to focus.

For Little A I decided to go with a picture of a curl since she was pretty bald as a baby (but for this I go to my pics from yesterday).

And here is a picture of Big T's graying hair. Again, I'm not a fan of the picture. I didn't crop in, but his cheek is riding on the edge and it's distracting.

For tomorrow I would like to watch the videos and also take time to view others' pictures.